It’s a funny old world. It never seems to turn out how you’d expect. Back in the day everyone thought AI, Artificial Intelligence, was going to be the next big thing. I’m talking real AI, the cognitive function of an android. We all assumed one day androids would be part of everyday life, everyone would have one in the home.

Instead, with the world finally accepting its role in climate change, there was a massive shift towards recycling, a shift to reduce the waste and to put a stop to the ‘throwaway’ generation. We became obsessed. Severe laws were introduced, prison sentences were handed out to families that constantly abused recycling rules. The biggest shock was how they recycled medical waste. More specifically cadavers or parts thereof.

A medical research company managed to perfect reanimation. Yes, you guessed it, they invented the real Frankenstein. They called themselves ‘Franking For Life’. Stupid name, for a stupid idea. However it was a hit and shareholders were very happy bunnies. You could now have a Frankenstein of your own.

They were invaluable as domestic servants. If you needed a door opening, a tray held, or even help to retrieve items from the back of a high shelf, you couldn’t go wrong with FrankenServants. There were FrankenLovers, which as you can probably guess were designed for the art of lovemaking. The male version of the FrankenLover came with an assortment of appendages; rigor mortis was an added bonus. The female version didn’t do so well. One customer review stated “I’ve had more fun lying with a bag of spuds”. The other model to note, and the true purpose of this story, is the FrankenKid. They were designed to be children forever. If you loved kids and never wanted them to grow up, then have a FrankenKid. If you were unfortunate enough to suffer the loss of a child, then you could quickly get a replacement to fill that void. They had considered reanimating the actual child, but they thought that would be sick. Really, that’s where they drew the line?

The Brown family weren’t a very rich family, in fact they were poor although it’s not very PC to say that now. They were deemed ‘fiscally challenged’. Mr Brown had slow sperm, he was unable to give Mrs Brown the child she so desperately wanted. Adoption was too expensive and if you add in the cost of the clothes, food, lighting, heat, education et cetera then it was exceptionally cost prohibitive.

FrankenKid was a simple choice for the Browns. It was cheap. You could even order it on the internet. With the help of the online wizard to guide you through the body part selection process, you could fashion your own child. When you were happy with the FrankenKid preview picture, a single button click would add your new child to the basket. The start-up kit was included in the price. Plug it into the mains, attach the electrodes to the neck bolts and hold the pulse button down for 5 seconds. Repeat until reanimation is achieved. The only real downside to ordering online was that some self-assembly was required.

Maintenance of your FrankenKid was paramount to its longevity. You had to check all the seams, make sure the stitches were taut and still there, but most importantly check that the bolts were tight. FrankenKids came with a sewing kit and an adjustable wrench. The adjustable wrench was brilliant because it allowed you to secure the multiple different size bolts on the FrankenKid body without having to have a complete tool set. Ankles, hips, shoulders and head were all secured by bolts.

The Browns were given a rude awakening one Sunday. They invited Father William to Sunday lunch. Mrs Brown was a dab hand at cooking and very houseproud. She loved to entertain and couldn’t wait to show off her new son, the FrankenKid they had named Colin.

Everything was going well. The food was outstanding, Mrs Brown turned out a fantastic spread worthy of a king. Fun was had by all, even Colin had a smile on his face, well sort of. The problem came when Father William started telling jokes. He had them rolling in the aisles. The frivolity was short-lived however when one particular joke about a cat, a cucumber and a sardine made Colin laugh his head off.

Mr Brown never did forget his maintenance duties after that day, his adjustable wrench went with him everywhere. Mrs Brown saw to that.

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